Dangerous stuff eh? Terrorists? Meteorites? Pigeons armed with plasma rifles? Yeah, ok mate, I'd better go over here now.....

Ham. Oh yes, the great beast of legend has returned to eat our souls and fill our nostrils with aids! Mwuhahaha!

Is it just me or does practically everything give you cancer? Or heart disease. Or makes your testicles swell up and take on a life of their own, rampaging down the high street armed with a pair of nuclear powered chopsticks, molesting your children, driving down property prices and stealing your personal information to sell to the highest bidder, a man who runs an Icelandic bank who will then run off to spend your savings on hardcore Vietnamese goat porn?

Makes you think doesn’t it. I’m half tempted to fund scientific research of my own that will conclude with “The X-chromosome gives you cancer. All attempts to treat it will give you cancer. Worrying about it will give you cancer. We are ALL screwed now get on with your lives, you gullible, paranoid, fish brained butt monkeys. PS. Further research in this field will give you cancer”.

Now the average person is fairly smart, but when surrounded by so many health warnings, who wouldn’t become a little paranoid? We are already concerned with our own finances, health, our jobs, our kids education, war, famine, artichokes, the bubonic plague etc without it being constantly added to whenever a piece of flawed, biased and just plain stupid research surfaces from the primordial soup. Can you imagine taking a child that is worried about the monster under their bed and saying “That’s nothing! There’s bird flu, old men that want to touch you in the pants, aids, all manner of shit exploding and endless re-runs of Friends to be scared of too!”

Ethically you shouldn’t scare the living piss out of people unless you either have a very good reason or are a total gimp, and I do have to wonder which category these so called “researchers” fit into.

Take war for example. War is a terrible thing, something to be avoided whenever possible, yet now it is televised. We don’t get radio broadcasts and grainy, black and white pictures of troops neck deep in the dark and brown like in the good old days. We no longer have the comfort of a reasonable degree of detachment so we can all get on with our lives in the meanwhile. We hear the names and circumstances involved in every roadside bomb. We see each individual grieving family, the little girls who have lost their daddy, the heaped flowers outside a soldiers home.

We see each and every Asian guy who is less than satisfied with this country, even if their reasons are legitimate, held up as if he was caught drowning kittens in caustic soda. We then hear the details of his benefit history; as if there aren’t white people out there scrounging for all they’re worth too. Sure, it makes me mad that people who hate this country have the brass balls to sit and claim benefits and make up bullshit claims for why they don’t have to work, but there are far fewer of them than there are perfectly able bodied white people who could work but can’t be bothered. Not to mention women who are quite open with the fact that they don’t see why they should work when the government will fund them to sit at home and knock out children like there is no tomorrow.

All these people steal money from people with genuine disability and people who deserve the help of the benefit system, to prop them up so they can rejoin the workforce later and educate their children properly. But the way the media makes it sound is like all people on benefits are scummers.

Is it true that Polish migrant workers can claim disability benefit for their disabled children who do not live here? Yes it is. Is that a fair reason to hate all the Polish migrants? No it isn’t.

The British media has become a huge, bloated old witch stirring up a cauldron full of misery, throwing in statistics to fool us into believing they have anything of value to tell us.

Is this news to anyone? No, probably not, but that is not what concerns me.

What worries me is that one day, in the wake of the BSE scares, Bird Flu, Bovine TB, SARS, Terrorism, Megan Fox and bras that will rise up and sacrifice you to the Blood God, I am seriously concerned that when something serious actually DOES come along, we will all be so sick of bloody hearing it that no-one will believe it and, in the biggest case of “little boy who cried wolf” in human history we really will all be in deep shit.

But nevermind, I’m sure that when we are all scrabbling for the last few tins of food and murdering each other for the last copy of “What Hi-fi” magazine, there will be an idiot there to film it all for the evening news.

And they will probably blame the Coalition Government.