Right well, here we go with todays mind buggeringly pathetic headline from Yahoo! News, “£10 a week to stop pregnant women smoking”.
*Sounds of muffled yelling, as of someone screaming expletives into a cushion*.
Ok I’m back. Cue the slow clapping Mr Government think tank! I can see you really did your homework on this one! Did you interview a few pregnant smokers? If so, how did that go?
“Quit smoking while pregnant, it could lead to a dangerously low birth-weight!”
“You mean I’ll have to push less and the baby will be smaller, so labour will be less painful?”
“Oh, well that’s not really what we were going for there. Umm, Ah ha! Smoking can impede the development of a childs lungs, leaving them gasping for air in an incubator for the first weeks of their lives and affect their general health by leaving them at risk to infection with an immune system unable to cope! It may also give them asthma which could seriously affect their life until the day they die!”
“Yeah but I like don’t smoke that many anyway, and I used to smoke loads more and pregnancy is well stressful innit, and I’ve got asthma already anyway (puts down fag to take huge lungful of inhaler) so the baby will probably get that anyway. It’s called like genetic predisposition or somefin innit”.
“What? Oh go on, please? Please quit smoking? Pretty please? I’ll give you a tenner…”
That’s right, some prick thinks it’s a good idea to wheel out the money catapult again! Sure, the NHS already provides stop smoking services for free and Nicorette gum and inhalators on prescription. Which are free to pregnant women anyway, but try to drown the problem with cash? Well that’s a splendid idea! Just like the £30 a month we give to AS and A-level students just to turn up to a course they opted to take in the first place! Why didn’t I think of this? Because I’m not a raving great DILDO that’s why!
Has it come to this? Are we using petty bribery to try and solve a social and medical issue? We’re spending a massive amount of money on guilt tripping everyone into trying to bag their farts to lessen their carbon footprint, (at the same time offering £2000 scrappage bonuses when people trade in their old car for a new one, sending plenty of re-usable second hand cars to the scrap heap, to be replaced with a new one, the production of which far outstrips the damage done by driving the aforementioned banger until it was actually ready to be scrapped. Thus neatly costing us all millions and buggering up the planet at the same time….) why not spend some of this on better education? I know our mid-wife would have hit the fucking ROOF if either of us had smoked while ‘er indoors was up the spout!
Or how about something simpler. How about “Smoking during pregnancy does this this this this and this to the unborn child. This can lead to this this this this and this. Smoking is bad for your baby. Quit smoking, or we will hold you personally and legally responsible for any repercussions your child suffers as a result. You have been warned”.
Basically an “official” and legally binding way to say “You hurta your child, we breaka your face!”
Well that’s another rant, I’ve been the Vampiric Chicken, and now I hear the dulcet tones of children jumping up and down on the roof of my car. I’m going to go bribe them with tins of Ambrosia Devon Custard (Devon knows how they make it so creamy). If that doesn’t work, I’m going to fucking shoot them.
Thursday 18 March 2010
Tuesday 16 March 2010
Vampiric Chicken Vikings, ATTAAAAAACK!
Right ok, lunch nice and hot, Volbeat on the iPod and an annoying notion in my mind.
Right. Go!
Norrie May-Welby. Not a name you are likely to be familiar with, but a name that had me shaking my head at the over whelming pointlessness this morning at the headline “Briton becomes world’s first OFFICIALLY genderless person”. What the hell does that mean?
Let me start by saying this is in no way a personal or homophobic attack, but it’s just the stupid implications of this “news” that have got my back up. The Australian authorities declared themselves unable to determine the actual gender of Norrie’s body. Now, Norrie was born a man, but had a sex change back in the eighties at some point. Since then, she didn’t feel that female was appropriate either, so had surgery to make herself basically gender neutral. Fair enough, whatever it takes to make you happy, right? Well yeah, it’s important to feel happy in your own body, after all, it is the only thing that truly belongs to you and no-one else, but here’s the thing. The term gender has bugger all to do with biology. No, don’t start to disagree just yet, look it up from a reputable source and you will find that I am correct. Your SEX is a biological fact. Quite simply, you either have Y-chromosomes or you do not. If you do, you are male. If you do not, you are female. (This is a simplification, it is not always xx or xy, you can have xyy, xxy, even xxxy, look up super-males, bloody interesting if you are into genetics).
The thing is, gender is the thoughts, feelings, behaviours, stereotypes and emotional attributes that a given culture associates with each of the two sexes, and these are not always the same cross culturally. The Amazonian warriors for example. Typically, they have a male gender role as we would see it, but are still female. But I digress. Where the hell does “officially” come into it? Is this an attempt to make life easier for Norrie? Maybe. But what the hell is the point? Ok, be whatever you want to be, but is this something Norrie can put on their passport? What the hell do we call him/her now? Is it to become un-pc to call her her? Or him? What about IT? Is that fair, or even in any way helpful? No, but sadly, that is what is likely to happen.
Or does this go back to something basic, stupid and really damned annoying. People don’t like to use the word sex. Think about it, are you ever asked for your SEX on a form anymore? Nope, it’s always GENDER these days, which is not right, whatever some weasely little tit with a clip board might tell you. Sexes. There are two of them. Male and Female. There are also two basic genders. Essentially, Masculine, feminine, and degrees thereof. Hey, don’t get me wrong, there should be allowances made for the fact that it is perfectly possible for there to be hermaphrodites. But do you know how many TRUE hermaphrodites there have ever been? And by true, I mean having both male AND female organs (not just a vagina and vestigial penis or vice versa, but one functioning ovary, one testicle etc). Have a guess? Put it this way, you can count them on one hand. Last I researched it at University, there had only ever been one. And no, someone with ambiguous sexual organs, under-developed genitals or growth deficiencies DOES NOT count. I cannot see any way in which this daft judgement call is going to help Norrie, rather it is likely to make things harder as people are going to have no clue how do deal with her.
Stupidly, no-one has mentioned a psychological evaluation to determine her gender, they have based this “OFFICIAL” declaration entirely upon a medical examination. Well, that’s like a bit like trying to discover someone’s religious beliefs by giving them a fucking MRI scan.
Let us take this to a ridiculous conclusion, shall we? I like beer, large edged weapons, breaking things, growing my hair long and have a penchant for comely wenches. Right, that’s it. I’m going to the court of human rights to be “OFFICIALLY” declared a Viking. Or maybe a Klingon. Oh damn you and your irrefutable facts, you’re encroaching on my personal feelings if you let facts and scientific principles get in the way of my “OFFICIAL” Viking/Klingon status. Hey, we even have our own language.
So that’s my first inane and pointless rant. Stop giggling like bloody five year olds every time you hear the word “sex” and use it properly, and stop misusing words like “OFFICIAL”, it’s stupid, and it’s pointless and it isn’t going to help anybody. I only hope that years down the line when Norrie is stood at an airport check-in unsure of which box to tick on the “Gender” (GRRRRRRRRRRRR) section, and the security staff are unwilling to force the other 6 Billion odd people in the world to choose between these and a little box stating “other”, he/she/they/whatever doesn’t come to seriously regret this announcement.
P.S. Interested in any of this sciency stuff? Take a look at the Batista Family, it’ll blow your mind.
Right. Go!
Norrie May-Welby. Not a name you are likely to be familiar with, but a name that had me shaking my head at the over whelming pointlessness this morning at the headline “Briton becomes world’s first OFFICIALLY genderless person”. What the hell does that mean?
Let me start by saying this is in no way a personal or homophobic attack, but it’s just the stupid implications of this “news” that have got my back up. The Australian authorities declared themselves unable to determine the actual gender of Norrie’s body. Now, Norrie was born a man, but had a sex change back in the eighties at some point. Since then, she didn’t feel that female was appropriate either, so had surgery to make herself basically gender neutral. Fair enough, whatever it takes to make you happy, right? Well yeah, it’s important to feel happy in your own body, after all, it is the only thing that truly belongs to you and no-one else, but here’s the thing. The term gender has bugger all to do with biology. No, don’t start to disagree just yet, look it up from a reputable source and you will find that I am correct. Your SEX is a biological fact. Quite simply, you either have Y-chromosomes or you do not. If you do, you are male. If you do not, you are female. (This is a simplification, it is not always xx or xy, you can have xyy, xxy, even xxxy, look up super-males, bloody interesting if you are into genetics).
The thing is, gender is the thoughts, feelings, behaviours, stereotypes and emotional attributes that a given culture associates with each of the two sexes, and these are not always the same cross culturally. The Amazonian warriors for example. Typically, they have a male gender role as we would see it, but are still female. But I digress. Where the hell does “officially” come into it? Is this an attempt to make life easier for Norrie? Maybe. But what the hell is the point? Ok, be whatever you want to be, but is this something Norrie can put on their passport? What the hell do we call him/her now? Is it to become un-pc to call her her? Or him? What about IT? Is that fair, or even in any way helpful? No, but sadly, that is what is likely to happen.
Or does this go back to something basic, stupid and really damned annoying. People don’t like to use the word sex. Think about it, are you ever asked for your SEX on a form anymore? Nope, it’s always GENDER these days, which is not right, whatever some weasely little tit with a clip board might tell you. Sexes. There are two of them. Male and Female. There are also two basic genders. Essentially, Masculine, feminine, and degrees thereof. Hey, don’t get me wrong, there should be allowances made for the fact that it is perfectly possible for there to be hermaphrodites. But do you know how many TRUE hermaphrodites there have ever been? And by true, I mean having both male AND female organs (not just a vagina and vestigial penis or vice versa, but one functioning ovary, one testicle etc). Have a guess? Put it this way, you can count them on one hand. Last I researched it at University, there had only ever been one. And no, someone with ambiguous sexual organs, under-developed genitals or growth deficiencies DOES NOT count. I cannot see any way in which this daft judgement call is going to help Norrie, rather it is likely to make things harder as people are going to have no clue how do deal with her.
Stupidly, no-one has mentioned a psychological evaluation to determine her gender, they have based this “OFFICIAL” declaration entirely upon a medical examination. Well, that’s like a bit like trying to discover someone’s religious beliefs by giving them a fucking MRI scan.
Let us take this to a ridiculous conclusion, shall we? I like beer, large edged weapons, breaking things, growing my hair long and have a penchant for comely wenches. Right, that’s it. I’m going to the court of human rights to be “OFFICIALLY” declared a Viking. Or maybe a Klingon. Oh damn you and your irrefutable facts, you’re encroaching on my personal feelings if you let facts and scientific principles get in the way of my “OFFICIAL” Viking/Klingon status. Hey, we even have our own language.
So that’s my first inane and pointless rant. Stop giggling like bloody five year olds every time you hear the word “sex” and use it properly, and stop misusing words like “OFFICIAL”, it’s stupid, and it’s pointless and it isn’t going to help anybody. I only hope that years down the line when Norrie is stood at an airport check-in unsure of which box to tick on the “Gender” (GRRRRRRRRRRRR) section, and the security staff are unwilling to force the other 6 Billion odd people in the world to choose between these and a little box stating “other”, he/she/they/whatever doesn’t come to seriously regret this announcement.
P.S. Interested in any of this sciency stuff? Take a look at the Batista Family, it’ll blow your mind.
Monday 15 March 2010
The Mission Statement.
Ok, here it goes. Ever get angry for no reason? Ever want to throw things at your TV, kick something or just plain get so impotently hacked off that you want to slam your head repeatedly in a door? Or photo-copy your private parts and post them to all those people that send you junk mail? Or set fire to a cat? You do? Ok, someone needs to chill out.............................
Well, I have gotten to the point that my wife will no longer allow me to watch the serious news, due to sudden and expletive ridden rants at the poxy, melodramatic, sensationalist BOLLOCKS that the news readers spout. Is it a bit cold this winter? Nooooo, that's not going to scare the pants off of anyone. No, it's THE COLDEST WINTER SINCE RECORDS BEGAN! It's WINTER-GEDDON! It's FROSTY THE SNOWMAN COME TO RAPE YOUR GRANDMOTHER TO DEATH! And of course the weather isn't a NATURAL phenomenon, it's THE GOVERNMENTS FAULT.!
Relax Al, breath. This blog is the avenue for my frustrations at a world full of stupid things, places and people and the way they make those of us with a brain want to pull it out through our noses with a spoon. I will try and keep my posts topical, informative and angry, not that I expect any particular difficulty with the latter and will include my (over)reactions to the news, music releases, films, car reviews and current affairs, plus anything else that pops into my mind and hacks me off.
The Vampiric Chicken is a 25 year old father of one (so far) from Cornwall in the UK in SERIOUS need of an attitude adjustment, a good nights sleep and probably some form of sedative.
Hope you enjoy the ride...........................
Well, I have gotten to the point that my wife will no longer allow me to watch the serious news, due to sudden and expletive ridden rants at the poxy, melodramatic, sensationalist BOLLOCKS that the news readers spout. Is it a bit cold this winter? Nooooo, that's not going to scare the pants off of anyone. No, it's THE COLDEST WINTER SINCE RECORDS BEGAN! It's WINTER-GEDDON! It's FROSTY THE SNOWMAN COME TO RAPE YOUR GRANDMOTHER TO DEATH! And of course the weather isn't a NATURAL phenomenon, it's THE GOVERNMENTS FAULT.!
Relax Al, breath. This blog is the avenue for my frustrations at a world full of stupid things, places and people and the way they make those of us with a brain want to pull it out through our noses with a spoon. I will try and keep my posts topical, informative and angry, not that I expect any particular difficulty with the latter and will include my (over)reactions to the news, music releases, films, car reviews and current affairs, plus anything else that pops into my mind and hacks me off.
The Vampiric Chicken is a 25 year old father of one (so far) from Cornwall in the UK in SERIOUS need of an attitude adjustment, a good nights sleep and probably some form of sedative.
Hope you enjoy the ride...........................
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