Right well, here we go with todays mind buggeringly pathetic headline from Yahoo! News, “£10 a week to stop pregnant women smoking”.
*Sounds of muffled yelling, as of someone screaming expletives into a cushion*.
Ok I’m back. Cue the slow clapping Mr Government think tank! I can see you really did your homework on this one! Did you interview a few pregnant smokers? If so, how did that go?
“Quit smoking while pregnant, it could lead to a dangerously low birth-weight!”
“You mean I’ll have to push less and the baby will be smaller, so labour will be less painful?”
“Oh, well that’s not really what we were going for there. Umm, Ah ha! Smoking can impede the development of a childs lungs, leaving them gasping for air in an incubator for the first weeks of their lives and affect their general health by leaving them at risk to infection with an immune system unable to cope! It may also give them asthma which could seriously affect their life until the day they die!”
“Yeah but I like don’t smoke that many anyway, and I used to smoke loads more and pregnancy is well stressful innit, and I’ve got asthma already anyway (puts down fag to take huge lungful of inhaler) so the baby will probably get that anyway. It’s called like genetic predisposition or somefin innit”.
“What? Oh go on, please? Please quit smoking? Pretty please? I’ll give you a tenner…”
That’s right, some prick thinks it’s a good idea to wheel out the money catapult again! Sure, the NHS already provides stop smoking services for free and Nicorette gum and inhalators on prescription. Which are free to pregnant women anyway, but try to drown the problem with cash? Well that’s a splendid idea! Just like the £30 a month we give to AS and A-level students just to turn up to a course they opted to take in the first place! Why didn’t I think of this? Because I’m not a raving great DILDO that’s why!
Has it come to this? Are we using petty bribery to try and solve a social and medical issue? We’re spending a massive amount of money on guilt tripping everyone into trying to bag their farts to lessen their carbon footprint, (at the same time offering £2000 scrappage bonuses when people trade in their old car for a new one, sending plenty of re-usable second hand cars to the scrap heap, to be replaced with a new one, the production of which far outstrips the damage done by driving the aforementioned banger until it was actually ready to be scrapped. Thus neatly costing us all millions and buggering up the planet at the same time….) why not spend some of this on better education? I know our mid-wife would have hit the fucking ROOF if either of us had smoked while ‘er indoors was up the spout!
Or how about something simpler. How about “Smoking during pregnancy does this this this this and this to the unborn child. This can lead to this this this this and this. Smoking is bad for your baby. Quit smoking, or we will hold you personally and legally responsible for any repercussions your child suffers as a result. You have been warned”.
Basically an “official” and legally binding way to say “You hurta your child, we breaka your face!”
Well that’s another rant, I’ve been the Vampiric Chicken, and now I hear the dulcet tones of children jumping up and down on the roof of my car. I’m going to go bribe them with tins of Ambrosia Devon Custard (Devon knows how they make it so creamy). If that doesn’t work, I’m going to fucking shoot them.
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