Indicators? Noooooo, they're not indicators! I prefer to play GUESS WHERE I'M GOING!

I love driving, yes even in my 1.4 litre Czech motor which is actually pretty damn good in the corners and accelerates much faster than you might think. But there are certain issues in driving that are slowly eating away at my sanity.

Firstly, indicators. These, my dear children, are for indicating. That's right, they are a signal of intent. The number of times the person in front of me has done an emergency stop, yanked hard on the wheel to turn left WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY TURNING ON THEIR INDICATOR, honestly it drives you insane! (Drives? eh? see what I did there? wink wink?

Secondly, roundabouts. Now I know these stupid paint blob mini-roundabouts are a pain in the ass, I know, no-one likes them, but on big roundabouts there be rules. The simplest of which is this. If you find you are on the inside lane and are about to miss your turn off, keep fucking going. Do not, and I really mean DO NOT abruptly pull across in front of me while waving apologetically into your rear-view mirror. You will find that if you had continued forward, the road would have miraculously brought you back to the same place. Cool huh?

Thirdly, people who speed. Then don't. Then do. You know the ones that do 40mph in a 40mph zone, until they reach a 30mph zone, where they continue to do 40, then they reach a 60mph zone, and I'll be buggered if they don't just keep on doing 40mph. Now, I have some sympathy if you drive a Toyota, as this may not be a situation that you have chosen so much as something the car had decided to do all on its own, but seriously, one of the hallmarks of a good driver is consistency. Having someone tailgate me through a 30mph area only to disappear into my rear view when I hit a 60 or 70mph zone is bloody irritating, save for the vaguely pleasurable "Knight Rider" feeling you get when you roar away from someone without actually roaring at all.

And for the finale, with reference to what happened to me on the way to pick up my wife last night, if you find yourself on the inside lane when the lanes merge, let the poor buggers stuck on the outside in will you? I know it's irritating when you are stuck there and you have to let someone in who has rocketed past the last half mile of stationery traffic, but consider this. If no-one was letting them in, what choice did they have other than to go looking for a gap? Sure, they could risk an accident by muscling their way in, but even this is not an option when you drive the aformentioned 1.4litre Czech bubble car. I, for one, was out there because the person in front of me had executed an emergency stop at 85mph while towing an overloaded trailer tent. Given the way it started jumping and bucking like a hippo being electricuted, I pulled out. I then found that the next mile of traffic was moving but with stopping distances of about .25 of a second between their bumpers. In fact, so determined were several drivers to strand those poor unfortunates in the outside lane that I saw three, and I mean THREE almost rear end crashes. I did not pull out because I was driving like a dick. I pulled out because the guy in front of me was, and looked like he was going to lose control. As I was being tailgated, an emergency stop of my own was not the safest option.

So to the guy in the Maroon Fiat Stilo, who stuck his fingers up at me when I got to the point I was totally stuck while screaming "FUCK YOU!" out of his window, fuck you right back dear heart. It is people like you who cause the traffic jams, by tailgating and stop-starting and refusing to allow the traffic to flow because you think you are in some sort of race. Pulling out is sometimes the safest thing to do. For example, if your father had pulled out you wouldn't be here at all, and that would have made the road a safer place for us all. I am a sensible and highly competent driver after my only two years experience and acted to avoid what could have been a very nasty accident. You are in your sixties and, quite frankly, if you haven't learnt to reign in your anger by now you shouldn't be driving at all. One day you will do that to someone who will either follow you, or just happen to be going to the same place as you and you will then realise the stupidity of a sixty year old man enfuriating a much larger man in his twenties. Thankfully, that would not be me because, as I said, sensible, competent and not that sort of bloke. But quite a few are.

P.S. the look on your face when, several miles later, you looked in your rear-view mirror and saw me smiling back at you in my most wolfish manner, was worth a million pounds at least. I was not following you, although the colour rapidly draining out of your face made it clear that you thought I was. Think on this, because the next person might not be decent, competent and sensible.

Vampiric Chicken Vikings, ATTAAAAAACK!

Right ok, lunch nice and hot, Volbeat on the iPod and an annoying notion in my mind.

Right. Go!

Norrie May-Welby. Not a name you are likely to be familiar with, but a name that had me shaking my head at the over whelming pointlessness this morning at the headline “Briton becomes world’s first OFFICIALLY genderless person”. What the hell does that mean?

Let me start by saying this is in no way a personal or homophobic attack, but it’s just the stupid implications of this “news” that have got my back up. The Australian authorities declared themselves unable to determine the actual gender of Norrie’s body. Now, Norrie was born a man, but had a sex change back in the eighties at some point. Since then, she didn’t feel that female was appropriate either, so had surgery to make herself basically gender neutral. Fair enough, whatever it takes to make you happy, right? Well yeah, it’s important to feel happy in your own body, after all, it is the only thing that truly belongs to you and no-one else, but here’s the thing. The term gender has bugger all to do with biology. No, don’t start to disagree just yet, look it up from a reputable source and you will find that I am correct. Your SEX is a biological fact. Quite simply, you either have Y-chromosomes or you do not. If you do, you are male. If you do not, you are female. (This is a simplification, it is not always xx or xy, you can have xyy, xxy, even xxxy, look up super-males, bloody interesting if you are into genetics).

The thing is, gender is the thoughts, feelings, behaviours, stereotypes and emotional attributes that a given culture associates with each of the two sexes, and these are not always the same cross culturally. The Amazonian warriors for example. Typically, they have a male gender role as we would see it, but are still female. But I digress. Where the hell does “officially” come into it? Is this an attempt to make life easier for Norrie? Maybe. But what the hell is the point? Ok, be whatever you want to be, but is this something Norrie can put on their passport? What the hell do we call him/her now? Is it to become un-pc to call her her? Or him? What about IT? Is that fair, or even in any way helpful? No, but sadly, that is what is likely to happen.

Or does this go back to something basic, stupid and really damned annoying. People don’t like to use the word sex. Think about it, are you ever asked for your SEX on a form anymore? Nope, it’s always GENDER these days, which is not right, whatever some weasely little tit with a clip board might tell you. Sexes. There are two of them. Male and Female. There are also two basic genders. Essentially, Masculine, feminine, and degrees thereof. Hey, don’t get me wrong, there should be allowances made for the fact that it is perfectly possible for there to be hermaphrodites. But do you know how many TRUE hermaphrodites there have ever been? And by true, I mean having both male AND female organs (not just a vagina and vestigial penis or vice versa, but one functioning ovary, one testicle etc). Have a guess? Put it this way, you can count them on one hand. Last I researched it at University, there had only ever been one. And no, someone with ambiguous sexual organs, under-developed genitals or growth deficiencies DOES NOT count. I cannot see any way in which this daft judgement call is going to help Norrie, rather it is likely to make things harder as people are going to have no clue how do deal with her.

Stupidly, no-one has mentioned a psychological evaluation to determine her gender, they have based this “OFFICIAL” declaration entirely upon a medical examination. Well, that’s like a bit like trying to discover someone’s religious beliefs by giving them a fucking MRI scan.

Let us take this to a ridiculous conclusion, shall we? I like beer, large edged weapons, breaking things, growing my hair long and have a penchant for comely wenches. Right, that’s it. I’m going to the court of human rights to be “OFFICIALLY” declared a Viking. Or maybe a Klingon. Oh damn you and your irrefutable facts, you’re encroaching on my personal feelings if you let facts and scientific principles get in the way of my “OFFICIAL” Viking/Klingon status. Hey, we even have our own language.

So that’s my first inane and pointless rant. Stop giggling like bloody five year olds every time you hear the word “sex” and use it properly, and stop misusing words like “OFFICIAL”, it’s stupid, and it’s pointless and it isn’t going to help anybody. I only hope that years down the line when Norrie is stood at an airport check-in unsure of which box to tick on the “Gender” (GRRRRRRRRRRRR) section, and the security staff are unwilling to force the other 6 Billion odd people in the world to choose between these and a little box stating “other”, he/she/they/whatever doesn’t come to seriously regret this announcement.

P.S. Interested in any of this sciency stuff? Take a look at the Batista Family, it’ll blow your mind.

The Mission Statement.

Ok, here it goes. Ever get angry for no reason? Ever want to throw things at your TV, kick something or just plain get so impotently hacked off that you want to slam your head repeatedly in a door? Or photo-copy your private parts and post them to all those people that send you junk mail? Or set fire to a cat? You do? Ok, someone needs to chill out.............................

Well, I have gotten to the point that my wife will no longer allow me to watch the serious news, due to sudden and expletive ridden rants at the poxy, melodramatic, sensationalist BOLLOCKS that the news readers spout. Is it a bit cold this winter? Nooooo, that's not going to scare the pants off of anyone. No, it's THE COLDEST WINTER SINCE RECORDS BEGAN! It's WINTER-GEDDON! It's FROSTY THE SNOWMAN COME TO RAPE YOUR GRANDMOTHER TO DEATH! And of course the weather isn't a NATURAL phenomenon, it's THE GOVERNMENTS FAULT.!

Relax Al, breath. This blog is the avenue for my frustrations at a world full of stupid things, places and people and the way they make those of us with a brain want to pull it out through our noses with a spoon. I will try and keep my posts topical, informative and angry, not that I expect any particular difficulty with the latter and will include my (over)reactions to the news, music releases, films, car reviews and current affairs, plus anything else that pops into my mind and hacks me off.

The Vampiric Chicken is a 25 year old father of one (so far) from Cornwall in the UK in SERIOUS need of an attitude adjustment, a good nights sleep and probably some form of sedative.

Hope you enjoy the ride...........................