DONT USE THE TOASTER! IT MIGHT GIVE YOU HERPES!

Well the mad scientists over at Twatville University have done it again, gifting the world with their unique scientific insight and saving us all from ourselves. Now, what exactly were we doing wrong this time? Giving ourselves cancer again. Oh, silly, silly us. And what were we doing this time? Filling our Y-fronts with depleted uranium? Microwaving our testes? No, something much more stupid than that.

We were putting the light on when we get up in the night to go for a leak.

I know, I know. Dumb isn’t it?

Apparently, putting a light on while it is night time buggers up your circadian rhythm and yadda yadda yadda, increases your chances of contracting cancer.

They found this, because when they woke up group A Laboratory mice without a light and group B Laboratory mice with a light, Group B suffered more cancers.

Now look, I understand that it is important to find those things in the environment that make us sick and learn how to deal with them, but how in the hell can this research be justified as being of any use to mankind? Were the tumour riddled bodies of previously healthy people found huddled on the bathroom floor at three in the morning with the lights on? Heck no, and to me this smacks of a group of pseudo-scientist pillocks trying to justify their departments existence by producing anything that alludes to a possible reduction in the C-WORD. No, not that C-word…

I agree with the use of laboratory rodents to find cures and treatments for serious human ailments to save us at the expense of a small, short lived animal. What I cannot abide is giving an animal cancer and producing absolutely no useful information from it. That is disgusting, vulgar and no better than throwing a big bag of mice into an open fire. Are people going to get a 0.01% increase in the risk of contracting cancer from turning on a light while they pee? Perhaps. Would 100% of married women, considering our aiming expertise during the day, be much happier knowing that their husbands were not peeing in the dark? Hell yeah!

Now let me make this clear. Mice are nervous creatures, and the poor little things suffer from cancer, especially if they are stressed. If you increase the amount of stress (say by waking them up with a bright light as opposed to not) you will increase the chances of giving the poor little buggers cancer, so this “Science”, tells us absolutely nothing.

But how about this. In the full knowledge and acceptance that I am sacrificing the lives of hundreds of cancer ridden mice to do it, I propose that I repeat this experiment only with one important difference. The first group are woken up gently with a Wagner track playing, the second are woken up with Coldplay blaring out loudly with a giant, neon-lit picture of Chris Martin dangling in front of their tiny faces. It’s no more scientific, but the results would do the world a damn sight more good.